Top 10 Things You Won't Hear from a Dive
Operator when Booking a Trip:
10. "Hey, you're the first guest since...'the
9. "Sorry, we can't take reservations 'til last
week's group is found."
8. "Our boats are Reef Diver I and Reef Diver
III. Reef Diver II is our first dive for the
day, located in 130 feet, five miles out."
7. "We can make you a really good deal if you
know something about boat engines."
6. "Don't worry about the currents, if we don't
find you I'm sure Search and Rescue will."
5. "That whale shark pictured in our brochure is
the only one we've seen in 20 years of diving
4. "No, we don't have a shark dive, but we do
feature a Portuguese man o' war encounter."
3. "Can we borrow your boat?"
2. "We have a spit technician for all your
1. "Now, we do ask that you bring your own
Top 10 Ways to Lose an Annoying Buddy:
10. Give the "I'll follow you" signal and then
go the opposite direction.
9. Send him back to the boat for more air.
8. Tell him to meet you at the "anchor line" on
a drift dive.
7. Two words: camouflage wetsuit.
6. Tell him you spent a lot of money for this
dive and you want to get the maximum bottom time
possible. So the plan is for one person to
breathe all his gas, share air with his buddy,
then do an emergency ascent from 130 feet.
5. Let him enter the shipwreck first, then close
and lock the door.
4. While gearing up, tell him not to pay
attention to the large sores on your mouth. If
he needs air, you'll be there.
3. Blow up party balloons on the boat using his
2. Paint "FULL" needles on his gauges and remove
the real ones.
1. Confess you never really got certified,
you're just using a c-card you found while
Top 10 Ways to Not get Certified:
10. Ask your instructor if your regulator "ain't
one of those Argentine bolo things".
9. Tell your instructor you'll "race him to the
8. Lie face down and motionless on the bottom
while holding your breath.
7. Tell the instructor that you are planning to
buy equipment at a competing shop's "killer
sale" next week.
6. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for
5. Strap a cardboard dorsal fin to your back and
go around biting people in your class on the leg
as they are ascending.
4. Show up with a set of tables based on your
own algorithm "that's WAY better".
3. Spit in your wetsuit; pee in your mask.
2. Ask the instructor which fin goes on your
left foot and which goes on the right.
1. Tell your instructor there's no way you can
lift a tank that has 3000 pounds of air in it.
Top 10 Ways Diving Would Be Different If
Bill Gates Were in Charge:
10) You would have to stop diving on January 1,
9) You could never remove that darn Internet
Explorer icon from your dive computer.
8) This year's new equipment models would
eventually be released two years from now.
7) None of your new gear would be compatible
with any of your old stuff.
6) Bill would get all the good gear from other
manufacturers and release it 10 years later
under another name and call it "revolutionary".
5) When you called
Microsoft to schedule a dive trip, you
would be left on hold for a long time, and when
you finally talked to someone you would be given
a lot of information on diving that was
absolutely correct but completely useless.
4) Every dive computer would be from
Microsoft and any deaths from them would
be explained as a "beta version" problem. Don't
worry we'll fix that in the next release.
3) Every time you were really close to your
destination, your boat would crash.
2) Your air supply would stop and have to be
restarted every couple of minutes and you would
accept this as normal.
1) Equipment dealers would be required to bundle
a parachute with every scuba package so Bill
could eventually dominate the sky diving market
(a natural tie-in).
Top 10 Things You Tell your Buddy:
10. Yes ... I want you to tell me when I say the
wrong thing in front of everyone and no one else
9. To avoid shark attacks: Dive with a
briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney
and leave you alone out of professional
8. Hiccups underwater? Hold your breath.
7. A dive computer will do all those
calculations for you.
6. Don't worry what those gauges say...you'll
KNOW when you're out of air!
5. Wear gloves on every dive. That way, when
you're going hand-over-hand on the coral, you
won't cut yourself.
4. Spit in your suit to get warm and pee in your
mask to defog.
3. If you take Viagra it will increase your
2. Always remember to empty your tank before
surfacing. Waste not, want not.
1. If you have good eyes, you don't really need