BAY AREA DIVERS
The 'Get Wet' Club!
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The Top Ten Things about Diving

Top 10 Things You Won't Hear from a Dive Operator when Booking a Trip:
10. "Hey, you're the first guest since...'the accident'."
9. "Sorry, we can't take reservations 'til last week's group is found."
8. "Our boats are Reef Diver I and Reef Diver III. Reef Diver II is our first dive for the day, located in 130 feet, five miles out."
7. "We can make you a really good deal if you know something about boat engines."
6. "Don't worry about the currents, if we don't find you I'm sure Search and Rescue will."
5. "That whale shark pictured in our brochure is the only one we've seen in 20 years of diving here."
4. "No, we don't have a shark dive, but we do feature a Portuguese man o' war encounter."
3. "Can we borrow your boat?"
2. "We have a spit technician for all your anti-fogging needs."
1. "Now, we do ask that you bring your own tropical fish."


Top 10 Ways to Lose an Annoying Buddy:
10. Give the "I'll follow you" signal and then go the opposite direction.
9. Send him back to the boat for more air.
8. Tell him to meet you at the "anchor line" on a drift dive.
7. Two words: camouflage wetsuit.
6. Tell him you spent a lot of money for this dive and you want to get the maximum bottom time possible. So the plan is for one person to breathe all his gas, share air with his buddy, then do an emergency ascent from 130 feet.
5. Let him enter the shipwreck first, then close and lock the door.
4. While gearing up, tell him not to pay attention to the large sores on your mouth. If he needs air, you'll be there.
3. Blow up party balloons on the boat using his regulator.
2. Paint "FULL" needles on his gauges and remove the real ones.
1. Confess you never really got certified, you're just using a c-card you found while snorkeling.


Top 10 Ways to Not get Certified:

10. Ask your instructor if your regulator "ain't one of those Argentine bolo things".
9. Tell your instructor you'll "race him to the surface."
8. Lie face down and motionless on the bottom while holding your breath.
7. Tell the instructor that you are planning to buy equipment at a competing shop's "killer sale" next week.
6. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for wusses.
5. Strap a cardboard dorsal fin to your back and go around biting people in your class on the leg as they are ascending.
4. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY better".
3. Spit in your wetsuit; pee in your mask.
2. Ask the instructor which fin goes on your left foot and which goes on the right.
1. Tell your instructor there's no way you can lift a tank that has 3000 pounds of air in it.


Top 10 Ways Diving Would Be Different If Bill Gates Were in Charge:
10) You would have to stop diving on January 1, 2000.
9) You could never remove that darn Internet Explorer icon from your dive computer.
8) This year's new equipment models would eventually be released two years from now.
7) None of your new gear would be compatible with any of your old stuff.
6) Bill would get all the good gear from other manufacturers and release it 10 years later under another name and call it "revolutionary".
5) When you called Microsoft to schedule a dive trip, you would be left on hold for a long time, and when you finally talked to someone you would be given a lot of information on diving that was absolutely correct but completely useless.
4) Every dive computer would be from Microsoft and any deaths from them would be explained as a "beta version" problem. Don't worry we'll fix that in the next release.
3) Every time you were really close to your destination, your boat would crash.
2) Your air supply would stop and have to be restarted every couple of minutes and you would accept this as normal.
1) Equipment dealers would be required to bundle a parachute with every scuba package so Bill could eventually dominate the sky diving market (a natural tie-in).

 

Top 10 Things You Tell your Buddy:
10. Yes ... I want you to tell me when I say the wrong thing in front of everyone and no one else catches it.
9. To avoid shark attacks: Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy.
8. Hiccups underwater? Hold your breath.
7. A dive computer will do all those calculations for you.
6. Don't worry what those gauges say...you'll KNOW when you're out of air!
5. Wear gloves on every dive. That way, when you're going hand-over-hand on the coral, you won't cut yourself.
4. Spit in your suit to get warm and pee in your mask to defog.
3. If you take Viagra it will increase your lift.
2. Always remember to empty your tank before surfacing. Waste not, want not.
1. If you have good eyes, you don't really need a mask.

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